Femme FATale

why i love my family
September 30, 2008, 9:49 am
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my mother’s family is embroiled in an ugly inheritance-related battle right now. my poor grandmother is alive to have to witness the insane greed of one of her sons and the ways in which it will change her family’s relationships forever. after a really explosive family meeting at my grandmother’s on sunday where my father and my mom’s brother nearly came to physical blows (which, what?!), my parents came home and told me all the gritty details. we sat around the kitchen table quietly for a few seconds and then it started…and by “it”, i mean endless references to the godfather. because in times of crisis, really, what else is an italian-american family supposed to do?

begin scene.

mom: well, i guess we all know what this means…it’s time to go to the mattresses!

dad: yeah, too bad he doesn’t have a horse we could behead and stick in his bed!

me: we could always just send him a wrapped up fish?

mom: what??

me: you know! “it’s a sicilian message. it means luca brazzi sleeps with the fishes!”

dad: cue godfather voice, “my boy! look what they did to my boy!”

mom: “leave the gun! take the cannolis!”

me: whistling the godfather theme song.

end scene.

new jersey = <3
September 25, 2008, 1:30 pm
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i have two homes. i have my minneapolis apt. and then i have my parent’s house in new jersey. i’m 27 and have been living outside of their house since i’m 18, but i still call my parent’s house “home” more than i do anywhere else i live. in a bunch of ways it is, of course, because they’re here, but in more ways jersey is just home.

i’ve spoken about my love for minneapolis on here before and none of that has changed. it’s my favorite city i’ve lived in since leaving for college in 1999; it’s pretty queer friendly, there’s always lots going on, and it’s city-ish, but not metropolis like nyc (which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the day and what i’m on a hunt for around town). and i feel comfortable in minneapolis, like i’ve grown to know my way around and feel sentimental about certain aspects of it’s architecture or it’s lakes or it’s just general midwestern charm. i swear that when i imitate the accent i do it lovingly.

but even with my love for minneapolis, it will always come second to the whole northern half of the state of new jersey. from new brunswick to the very tip top town of sussex, everything in between is familiar, but in the weirdest of ways. new jersey has a reputation for being crude and trashy and having really obnoxious drivers. it’s the worst parts of us, but it’s also pretty true. from the second i stepped foot into newark airport yesterday, i felt this total shift in myself. within seconds, i was in line to go to the restroom and it was pure chaos, but in the nicest ways that made me smile from ear-to-ear. some lady behind me was singing old school lauryn hill at the top of her lungs, the mom in front of me was spit-washing the face of her daughter and scolding her saying, “whaddya want your grandmother to think we don’t raise you right?!” and some old woman was cursing out the paper towel dispenser for being empty. swoon.

when i was done primping and fixing my (big, hairsprayed) coif, i went to exit past another group of folks waiting in line. some woman with a 3ft. tall doll was blocking the exit, talking to someone several ppl up on the line about how great her doll was (it was frightening, really) and despite my attempts at “excuse me,” just continued to ignore me and talk about how full the doll’s skirt was and how her eyelashes felt like real hair. the last part did me in. i gave the woman the hardest of looks i could muster and blurted out, “really lady?! are you going to stand here all day and block the door because of your doll?! jesus christ!” needless to say she moved.

readers, i know this makes me sound like a total asshole and maybe i am, but jersey rubs off on me in these ways that makes me remember i don’t have to keep everything nicey nice all the time like we do in the land of hot dishes and 10,000 lakes. for some reason, the romance i have with home allows me to see public swearing as delightful and spitting on the sidewalk as almost awww-inducing. seriously, i’m in love with this place and my heart swells when i’m here. oh, minneapolis, i might not come back this time.