Femme FATale


taking space, taking time.
September 21, 2008, 12:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

it’s been a rough week and so i haven’t written much. things have been crazy busy, as i’m preparing to go back east for a week and some to attend nolose and then to visit my family in nj and nyc. my best friend, kelley, is coming to visit my family and i in jersey for a few days, which will no doubt be good for the soul.

as i mentioned in my post a week or so ago, i’ve been having a lot of heaviness on my mind in regards to identity issues, not so much personally as much as how we’re all capable of getting caught up in labeling people based on what we want them to be in this queer community of ours. the range in severity of this can span from a minor offense to something tragic and hurtful, but either way i’m finding it so tiresome lately. more on this later as i develop it. i think i feel, in ways, responsible for some of the above mentioned stuff that i’m seeing in my own life and the lives of those around me and i want to figure out my own place in it before i spew on and on about it.

i’m working on these new methods of really trying to be self-reflexive about the things that bother me, partially spawned by my friendship with e, who maybe will always feel like more than a friend. we both have tempers that are quick to burn, so in the interest of trying to keep our shit on lock this year, we’re being more and more patient with one another and more cognizant about taking time and space when we need it to think our shit through. it’s been working well so far and i feel closer to her than i have in a while which is nice.

i’m finding out more and more lately that one of the most loving things we can do for each other is to know when to take space and sit with what we’re feeling. maybe at the end of a lot of sitting, we’re able to talk things through, process, get things back on track. maybe, we can spend months thinking and come to nothing but what we can say to one another only inside of our own heads. regardless of the outcomes, i can think of far too many times when i should have, or you should have, or we should have, stepped back and thought a little bit deeper about the shit between us, but instead we blurted out a lot of filler without giving things much thought and glossed over the important bits. i’m tired of doing this, so i’m taking space from a few things right now to think more about them. no doubt you faithful readers will get an earful…eyeful?

aside from this heavy stuff, good things: i’ve got a pitter-patter crush sorta thang going on with some handsome butch who lives way too far away but who i appreciate continuing to blow up my phone. i’ve got an achey, but full, heart from spending 2 weeks with my friend emily who has now returned home to san fran. i’m one prelim paper down and the second well on it’s way (i have 3 to complete by november). i just received the most beautiful dress, handmade for me by jane bonbon, which i am far too excited to wear – photos to come, i promise! my students are giving me enough humor/horror to keep me going, i.e. “i thought this was feminist film theory, not race film theory?” “errr…really?” mostly, though, i realized that after quite a few days of not posting, i missed talkin’ to y’all out there. what’s a girl to do without her extended blog family?



honestly.
August 7, 2008, 1:52 pm
Filed under: fun, honesty, yay | Tags: , , ,

prompted by sinclair

1. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that the reason I still seem so not over her is not because she was that incredible, but because I’m bored with the other options.

2. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I voluntarily participate in aggravating relationships because I value the really good sex that has been a part of them…and I worry what that says about me.

3. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I’m most likely not going to make it as a professor once I finish my Ph.D.

4. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I really did kind of feel it when I met them those two brief days and told my friends I’d met my future husband…even if that’s completely ridiculous.

5. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I think I’m kind of a catch…despite the occasional self-deprecation.

6. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that sometimes I’m a judgmental bitch and that’s not always ok.

7. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that my greatest fear is not making an impact.

8. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I don’t think I always mean it when I say “I love you,” but I’m working on it.