I was snowed in at a hotel on the southern coast of Maine when I said I’d review the Orchid G. Maybe the problem was that I responded to the Babeland “Products to Review” email on my iPhone that I had a different impression of what this particular toy would be. On my phone’s small screen it seemed streamline, svelte almost and like one of those fancy, high-end sex toys. Needless to say, when the box arrived the next week, I barely had the toy in my hand 2 seconds before I rushed to the website to try and make sense of things. The Babeland website gave, of course, a true description and accurate photo. Note to self: 3″ of iPhone screen vs. 15″ of Macbook screen = a world of difference.
The Orchid G is clunky. There’s no other word define it, as it is exactly that in size, shape, and overall presence. I’m not being dramatic with the last word either. It truly is a pretty garish and visually obtrusive toy. Granted, I received the hot pink version so maybe that has something to do with my overall experience. When I first eyed it, I was reminded of childrens’ playrooms where all of the furniture is made of that hard, hollowed out plastic, is sort of bulbous in shape, and where all edges are rounded. The only characteristic the Orchid G does not share with that kind of Fischer-Price style furniture is that those chairs and tables are usually pretty stumpy and at 8″ in length, the Orchid G is certainly not that.
Performance wise, I also wasn’t too impressed. I’m always skeptical of hard plastic toys because their mere existence implies that there is only one way for all female-born people to be shaped and sized; that we all have the same assembly-line produced bits ‘n pieces and that they react the same way and do the same things. We all know that what works for you, might not work for me, yet a lot of sex toy manufacturers seem to ignore that fact. Because of this, we wind up with toys like the Orchid G, which seems to suggest that all g-spots are located at the exact same angle. Forever and ever. Amen.
The good thing about the Orchid G is that if you are of the variety whose vagina is one from which the mold was cast and you, thus, have no problem navigating your innermost parts with a hard plastic, unyielding g-spot stimulator, it vibrates! And unlike the rest of it, the vibrations are customizable to what you enjoy – starting at a very soft purr to a very intense roar. Sadly, the roar is exactly that. Loud.
All hope was not lost though. While my g-spot remained unstimulated, I used the vibrator on my clit to get off and then all was right with the world. Not right enough to write a glowing review, but right enough to say hey, at least the Orchid G comes in some really nice colors!
This is the first product I’m reviewing for Babeland and I feared, a true perfectionist, that I wouldn’t know what to write or what to say as I cast my sex-toy- review virginity out the window. Luckily, there’s a lot to say about the Isis, even if it may well be the smallest vibrator you’ve ever laid eyes on. I decided to review this vibrator because I’ve seen similar over-the-finger style vibrators before and have always been curious about them, but more in a novelty way than anything else. In short, I’ve always doubted their ability to get me off. I blame this initial doubt on my early lesbian years. A time when I had a lot of awkward girl-on-girl sex with first-timers. To say the least, there was a lot of one-finger probing, pushing, and pulsing that got me nowhere except for frustrated and, sometimes, sore. Years later, obviously still scarred from these experiences, one-fingered anything piques my curiosity, but more in the “How can that work?!” kind of way.
I’ll put all my cards out on the table right away: the Isis, as I suspected, didn’t get me off. It got me about halfway there and then I realized my mind was debating whether or not to reach for my tried and true, no-frills vibrator or abandon ship altogether and go watch Jeopardy. The reason for this is because with only one speed, it was too much intensity for starting off and then too little as I got more and more warmed up thinking about a handsome butch and a NYC, New Years Eve rendez-vous (stories to come later, readers!). I will say, in defense of Isis’ somewhat lackluster performance, I am a person who requires a good deal of pressure on her clit if the aim is for me to orgasm. Isis, in that case, might be better suited for those who require less intensity or who are very sensitive. I also imagine that combined with vaginal stimulation of your choice, it might be a nice added touch. Especially for twosomes, threesomes, and thensomes.
Aside from the crucial point that Isis did not manage to make me wake the neighbors, there are still a number of really good things to say about it. For one, it is so incredibly small and discreet; it measures in at only 2.5″ total and can easily be tucked into a purse or pocket. It’s also relatively quiet. Throw a comforter over yourself and the only one who will know what’s going on is you. In fact, first-time, college lesbians who are fans of the aforementioned one-finger stimulation? This is a toy you could easily use on your girlfriend when her roommate is passed out on the other side of their dorm room fast asleep after Friday Night’s Dyke Row frat party. She’ll never hear a thing. Just saying.
All kidding aside though, the thing that most impressed me about the Isis is that it is a really quality toy. It’s made by Emotional Bliss, a U.K.-based sex toy company and it is obvious, from the moment you open the box that arrives from Babeland, that you’ve purchased something that is truly well-made and well-crafted. It’s smooth, sturdy, and the pieces that fit over your fingers, that come in three sizes, are made of strong plastic. No part of this toy is flimsy. It comes charged and ready with an A/C adapter that is equipped to run with both U.S. and European electrical adapters, a U.S. adapter for a standard two-prong outlet, two 1-oz bottles each of Emotional Bliss water based and silicon based lube (which is also really nice; not sticky or gummy at all), and a glossy 30-page catalog of their products that includes a personal note from the co-founder and ideas for “Setting the Scene”. Emotional Bliss seems to be a pretty pro-woman, feminist kind of company, too; their tag line is “Every woman has the right to experience sexual happiness in their lives!” This enthusiastic message, while feminist is, of course, very far from gender neutral or all-gender inclusive, but it’s also a far cry from a friend’s new dildo I saw just last week (purchased from some grimey, roadside sex toy shop) that came in a box covered in scantily-clad cartoon girls with word bubbles above their heads that were drawn shaped to look like blobs of jizz. Fail.
Overall, the Isis was a disappointment for what it did not deliver physically and for the fact that it managed to further bolster my fear of one-fingered stimulation encounters. That being said, however, it really impressed me in terms quality and craftsmanship; two things the sex toy world could use more of.
Also, did I mention you get 2 free oz. of really nice quality lube with the Isis?! Call me easily impressed. I’m new at this.
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i can’t believe it, but it’s been over a month since i’ve even logged into wordpress let alone wrote a post. can you believe i had to sit for a second and remind myself of my password before i typed it? just this afternoon i was lamenting how i missed blogging and how it wasn’t that i hadn’t wanted to blog while i was on vacation traveling the east coast seeing friends and family between the semesters or since i’d been back in minneapolis, i just hadn’t found the impetus to get me going again. surely i could’ve found something to write about. after all, there are holidays to be discussed, drama to unfold, world happenings to lament or celebrate (hi there, mister president!). but before i knew it, there was a syllabus to write and a class to attend and a suitcase to still only halfway unpack. i hate that life has kept me away so long.
there is, at the same time, so much to say and not much to say at all. for now, i’m just gong to keep this short and say hi, friends. i’ve missed you. i’ll be back to blogging now (with babeland reviews to boot!).